enablelove | Entries tagged with personal:real life

This is so true - and exactly how I've been feeling lately. I love social media, but in the end I compare myself to everyone:

-other authors that got more kudos/comments
-fandom friends that got more likes/replies
-teachers that have better ideas
-coworkers that are doing fun stuff
-family/friends that are having sweet relationships

UGH. I wish it were easier to just say STOP IT to that part of my brain!

So I've had a LOT going on lately
1. School/work kicking my butt (SO many emotions there I can't even tell you - just I need this school year to be over ngl)
2. I had the SPN Con 2 weeks ago (I like Misha a little bit more now, which is hilarious haha bc I thought that would never happen!) wherein I did the BOOP pose with Jared and the PUDDING pose with Jensen ♥_♥
3. I've been reading a bit more J2 fic which is fun but definitely reading more Stiles/Derek (whoops?)
4. I hit the 2 year anniversary of Dad's passing so this past weekend was no bueno
5. My emotions have been ALL OVER THE PLACE which sucks (I've actually been thinking about going into therapy...)

ANYWAY. This is my holding place to start catching up again (I'm like a month behind y'all!)

How are YOU doing? Have you done anything epic? Tell me something happy! Have you cooked anything delicious? Have you read anything fantastic? Have you written something that you're super proud of? Tell me! ♥♥♥

Look out for a rec post soon-ish. A lengthier one than last time I think...

Current Mood: exhausted

Hey y'all...

How are you guys doing? Clearly, I haven't kept up...sorry! again

1. I was nominated for Teacher of the Year at my school
2. I've had to deal with some ROUGH parents
3. I don't feel like I've been connecting with my kiddos this year :/
4. I signed up for Weight Watchers to help combat the despondency I've been feeling. I'd love any tips, tricks, or recipes! My cooking is still le fail, but hopefully I learn to feed myself better!

And YOU? What's new with YOU? What have you seen, loved, heard, written?

♥

Current Mood: anxious

This is just going to be a plethora of words that I'm spewing out - feelings all over the place yay.

1. I've been doing a thing for the teacher and fandom aspect of my life and thanking one person each day for the month of May. It's a way to kind of send a crap ton of good karma out into the universe [and hopefully it comes back to me]
2. Teaching is seriously one of the most difficult jobs ever. Parents are on my case right now and I've read some terrible e-mails and I just don't want to deal with them.
3. My classroom and house continue to be a mess. I need to just sit and organize but I'm a serial hoarder and I'm so damn lazy - a terrible combo tbh
4. Weight is still a problem - a daily issue I struggle with. Clothes don't fit, tears have fallen, and I'll still reach for the calorie laden foods
5. I think I'm going to die alone, which would be fine on a normal day, but I've felt so cripplingly alone these past few weeks, it's terrifying right now
6. I don't even know how many people read this anymore - 1, 2? And even less comment. Not helping my feelings any. This goes for all aspects of social media. It's a dangerous world out there - always comparing my numbers to others, my comments to others, my feelings to others, my friends to others. It's playing with my mind and comparison/jealousy is the root of all evil, I swear it.
7. My birthday is Wednesday and while I usually make a big deal of it, I'm really just wanting to close the door on the world.
8. I have passport shit to deal with because I somehow lost mine. I am such an idiot, seriously. They want you to prove citizenship but I became a citizen under my dad because I was less than 18, and I don't have an old passport to prove it hence the reason I'm getting a new one! Plus it's costing so much money. And the reason I need a passport is I'm going to Kenya this summer and I'm not looking forward to it too much for a few reasons
9. I feel like all I do is give, and don't receive anything in turn. And I KNOW that I don't give all of myself to get stuff, but a little recognition or appreciation would be amazing.
10. I needed a nice even number for this haha. I am so behind on EVERYTHING. I need to prioritize again, it's getting to be a problem. I ask my students all the time 'what are you choosing to do instead?' for late assignments and such, and for me? I couldn't tell you.

Okay that was my word vomit of the day. I hope you're keeping well. And if you read all that? You're a rockstar.

-just bought a Buxom eyeshadow palette! It's pretty and shiny and I love it. I don't even USE make up that much but I love buying it fdskjslkdjf I have a problem.

-so boy cancelled on me yesterday. He didn't give a reason just his mom. Keep in mind this is the second time he's cancelled (the first time I had almost reached the place to meet). He texted me today saying 'i know you mad at me' (let's not even get INTO the grammar right now)

I responded with long texts explaining how I'm not mad, but disappointed, and that this kinda proves I'm not up there on his priority list. And he was like 'i get it and it won't happen again I'll lead by actions not words' and I was like 'uhhh you DID lead by actions - you didn't come and you used your pretty words to butter me up'. And then he was like I gotta change I know and I told him to do it for him and he responded "and our future" and right now? I'm not really seeing a future. I KNOW I'm being harsh. But seriously?! TWICE. And not even a proper explanation.

Okay rant over. REMINDER: GO TO

boathouselove, JOIN, PIMP, FIC/ART!

HEY GUYS! [how lovely is this icon? Look at those cute boys *pinches cheeks*]

Okay so a shortened month wherein I shall endeavor to post every day. I've been feeling crappy since yesterday and did most of my teaching sitting down today, WHOOPS.

So, I've been kinda talking to this guy for the past 2-3 months. He's sweet, but idk, I'm not FEELING it you know? But man, he was so sweet to call me twice yesterday to check up on me. He asked to call me tonight and I said no because well I wasn't feeling like talking to anybody. I feel terrible for doing that, but not enough to call him?

IDK, I feel like I read so much romantic stuff in fandom that when it kinda happens in RL I'm all *rolls eyes* which is dumb.

ANYWAY, I don't know how to tell if this thing is GOING anywhere. Advice?

Quick rounds of thanks for making my birthday special!

wendy for my delicious vanilla cupcake.

enchanted_jae for my J2 fic Official.

big_heart_june for the birthday picspam

and to all the lj messages and tweets that went out for me. THANKS!

In personal news, SE Texas was struck by flash floods and my school suffered. We were off Monday and were supposed to go back Tuesday but roads were COVERED with water so we didn't go. Most schools went back today but ours actually suffered quite a bit of water damage and is closed until further notice. Stuff is still inside the building, I haven't said goodbye to my kiddos, and I haven't said bye to the staff so it just feels stilted right now. Just send good vibes and thoughts our way. Our house was fine, thankfully, but my coworker's was flooded :( This heavy downpour was completely unexpected.

elless18 knows about this, but idk what's been going on with me, but I have ZERO motivation to do anything.

My students have a major state test coming up and I'm so impatient with them. We've been going over the same concept in tutorials and they still aren't getting it, remembering it, etc. I don't know what else to do and I'm on edge all the time. SIGH.

I wish I could do something about it and I don't know what to do, seriously /0\

Now that the ranting is over, how are YOU?

note to self: do not try to book an international flight a week before you want to leave.

*headdesk* *facepalm* all the fml haha [omg it's crazy prices]

Guys, I'm so sorry I've been neglecting you! Life has been kind of busy. I shall endeavor to be better :)

1. Have read ZERO big bangs. I probably won't get to for a few weeks to be honest :/ But any AMAZING recs that I should definitely find time for no matter what? (J2 please)

2. I FINISHED THE PORN CHALLENGE! If you were on Twitter, I've been complaining every night for the past 30 nights about this haha. Thanks to everyone there for listening to me whine ;) BUT I AM DONE. And man, I feel accomplished. I think last night's was one of my favorites haha. The entire unconnected series is here if you're interested :) I want a medal or badge of honor for this haha

3. I've been delving into the teacher blog world again so that's been taking up some time. Had a conference which gave me the oomph I'd been missing so hopefully I won't complain as much about my job!

4. I have also been going to religious classes and stuff and generally learning more about God and our holy book and everything. It's a good thing for me I think. It sucks that it took this long but I'm glad I'm learning now!

5. I have officially passed the 50 pound mark on weight loss! I'm almost halfway there and man, this has been an intense journey! I thank you for your thoughts and well-wishes and ears.

But seriously, I don't tell you all enough, but thank you. Thank you for being there with me, for cheering with me, for pouting with me, for making me feel better, for making me realize my faults, for generally being the most awesome buddies I could ask for. I adore you ♥

Current Mood: accomplished

1. Won't get paid till END of September - and that too as a long term sub pay until I pass a certification exam (I'm already certified but have to take this other one to be 'highly qualified' which is lame)
2. Principal has seen me teach a total of 15 minutes now and the 2 other people on the committee haven't at all.
3. I asked about my status - teacher or interventionist, and the principal decides to plead the fifth. Am I worried? Hell yes.

-Bright side? Bought GORGEOUS material (had to dip in savings :/) to use as bulletin boards since we can't put staples or tape on the wall (wtf?)
-There's no school Monday, but I might go in to finally decorate my room!
-SO SO BROKE BUYING THINGS. I have a problem with classrooms - I try to make them look SUPER CUTE and don't care about the cost till after I've spent all the moneys :/

Sigh. I really hope this decision is worth it in the end bc I'm going to be SO TICKED if I turn out not to be the teacher (and seriously? Is there a nice way to say - you're not good enough as a teacher, you'll be the interventionist instead)

dlkflsdjd I'll try to catch up with you guys now as long as I don't get sucked into Teen Wolf fic (I KNOW I'M SORRY) and Tumblr.

♥

Current Mood: aggravated

Okay the final part of this crazy ride haha

The principal finally came in to see me to watch me teach but only got the last 5-10 minutes of my eighth grade class, which was nothing. That was Thursday. Keep in mind, my room situation is still up in the air and I just kinda shift around. Friday comes around and she pops her head in to my seventh grade class in the afternoon and is all "I really want you to come back next week."

I ask her if we can talk during my free block next period bc this is ridiculous. She's like sure.

So I go into her office and we talk. I show her the documents I still needed along with the lesson plan I made for FIFTH grade and stuff. She tells me she wants to hire me and that I'm pretty much hired, just not sure of what position yet - either the 6-8 math teacher or 6-8 math interventionist (I'd pull out kids and work with them one on one). She can't decide until her and the other 2 members of the hiring committee see me teach. Which, fine.

Except? I have no access to any resources - books, teachers editions, laptop, projector, powerpoints, lesson plans, email - ANYTHING and I'm teaching this week. Meaning I have to create lesson plans and stuff without knowing what's happening. Thankfully there are 2 other teachers that teach 6-8 and one of them lent me her plans, except I don't have access to the powerpoint and book or WAY to show that powerpoint but I guess we'll figure that out tomorrow.

Plans for today: grade the pre-assessments, organize some way to organize the classes, make a list of stuff I need from the admin, figure out what I'm teaching/how, make a behavior plan so the kids aren't crazy, make 3 syllabi

Plans for this week: organize 'my' room (it's FILLED with textbooks that haven't been passed out yet), get access to resources, create lesson plans, get clocking in/out access, so many other things I can't think of

So the upside is, yay job. The only problem is that I don't know which one. I think it might be teacher 'cause they've gotta be desperate, but I might end up doing ALL THIS WORK for someone else :/

I came home at 3:30 last night after a night of playing cards with my family and just dropped into bed. Here's to hoping I make it through the day!

Comments will DEFINITELY be answered today, promise! Just have to make the time.

Current Mood: intimidated

Thanks for bearing with me, guys. I'll respond to all comments soon I hope.

I got home last night and COLLAPSED into Mom's bed for an hour nap. Didn't get home till almost 6 because of traffic and leaving the school after 4:45 because dismissal took over an HOUR.

Sigh.

Anyway if I thought my last school was disorganized, that's got nothing on this one. The schedules were outta wack, rooms were full of textbooks and not enough desks, it was a nightmare. I woke up super early yesterday (4) to write out my lesson plan, etc. I'm nervous as hell and literally made myself sick because of how anxious I was. I get to school and they tell me I'm no longer doing the schedule I was given (5,6,7 grades) and instead doing 6-8 grades. I did not prepare for eighth grade! I had double blocks with them and no idea what to do because they kept changing my room and I didn't have my materials. AKA NIGHTMARE. I got through it by trying to teach a simple concept which half of them didn't seem to understand *facepalm*

Then I started hearing rumors that the position I wanted got filled and they were testing me for the 6-8 one. I'm not super comfortable with 8th grade math. I'm certified, but haven't had to do it/teach it in forever/never. SO. And I don't know when she's going to come in to watch me because I am not creating another lesson plan. Screw that. If I am offered that position, I don't know what to do. I need to talk to my friends who I see Saturday thankfully, if I do get it offered. If not? A great learning experience by being flexible.

Current Mood: cranky

So I got a call at 10:00 setting up an interview for 3:30. I went into my old job to help out then went to the interview. It didn't start till 4:15 and lasted until 5:30 with the assistant principal. All sorts of questions I didn't know how to answer haha. I suck at interviews.

Anyway, I sat for a little bit and then met with the principal for another almost hour.

Essentially, I'm hired on a probationary period. The school starts tomorrow and they'll watch me teach. I'll be a sub tomorrow and the rest of the week. I don't mind subbing - if I have lesson plans! There are going to be NONE of those and essentially I'll have to fly by the seat of my pants. I don't even know what I have to teach! But besides all that, I have to do a demo lesson tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday for 5th grade math. I have no idea what the standards are. I haven't taught before. I have to do it TOMORROW and they'll watch me. They'll let me know on the weekend if I'm hired or not.

This is CRAZY. I'm petrified about coming up with lesson plans and about being watched (ugh I hate being watched). And school will already have been in session before I get my actual class. That means no time to plan, set up, anything. But it's a JOB.

So yeah, guess who is not getting any sleep tonight? This girl.

So thank you to all those that commented on my last entry (you mean the WORLD), but it might not matter if this pans out. This is an intense school, it's a charter school and has crazy high demands and standards (be in by 7:00 till 4:30). I just hope all goes well.

Current Mood: stressed

So I don't know who all knows and doesn't know, but I quit my job in May. I was a third grade teacher at a private school and just wasn't HAPPY. I had been working there for 2 years and left on good terms, thankfully. Can't say the same for the others that left.

Anyway, I've been looking for a job since and got interviewed at 2 places, one charter elementary and one public middle school. I heard back from the middle school and found out I didn't get the job. I was a mixture of relieved and upset because I was terrified of teaching middle school, but it would have been a good challenge and you know, a JOB.

I'm going to probably be a substitute in 3 different districts and hopefully make some contacts that way. I really need something to do and hopefully that works out.

Let's flash back to Wednesday. I had gone into the mall and ran into my old principal. She basically says they need some help and if I can come in Friday (they wanted me to make IDs for the new people, essentially. I was in charge of that and implemented them in the first place). I agreed and went in Friday. The staff there was overjoyed at seeing me and really stroked my ego by wanting me back. The kids all said hi and my old students rushed to hug me (except the boys who are 'too cool' lol) so that was nice. I helped out during the day and my principal asked me to come back tomorrow. I declined and said I'd let her know about Tuesday. While I wouldn't mind a little money coming in, obviously, I didn't want to seem desperate because she'd take advantage, I just know it.

I was talking to my bestie that still works at that school and I told her about not getting the middle school position. She's like maybe I should come into the school and take over the school coordinator position. The thing is, the principal would hire me. On the spot. I'm not saying that bc I'm so fabulous, but because they're in a real need. But there was a reason I left. I don't want to deal with the admin BS that happens at that school and with the parents that think they run the school. If I got the job, I don't think I'd be able to handle it for long. So....I'm thinking about working part time. Like twice a week. I don't know. I just...they actually WANT me for one. It'd be money coming in. Not a lot by any means (the pay SUCKS), but money nonetheless which I don't have. Subbing isn't always consistent unfortunately :/

I'm really in a bind and don't know what to do and the problem with my family is we don't TALK about things like normal people. There are no discussions or advice, it's basically just figure it out on your own and hopefully it works out (that is another issue all on it's own).

So yeah. That's me right now. Any words of wisdom are most welcome.

Current Mood: contemplative

What Jared and Jensen are geeking out over :)

I'm wading my way through Tumblr again - got sucked in because I was SO DAMN BORED.

Still haven't found a job :/

I think I have the samosa smell permanently ingrained in me now because I've been frying them so much!

Umm yeah that's it. I can't embed the video for some reason :/ DAMMIT LJ.

Music Videos - Free Music Videos

Current Mood: melancholy

+ Please leave me prompts! Go here for details!
+ I finally posted knights!fic that was due almost 2 years ago. I'm so proud haha
+ I have been mainlining Parks and Rec for the past week and a half. I wasn't the biggest fan of Season 1, but I have been liking the rest. Ben Wyatt aka Adam Scott is my new favorite person EVER. I want my future husband to be like Ben haha. He's so cuuuuuute. My cousins don't think so, but what do they know ;)
+ I went to Six Flags Grand America yesterday and have this gross tan line on my feet. It was a blast and completely worth it!
+ I saw Wicked! We saw it on Saturday and DAAAAAAMN. The actors did phenomenal, the music was crazy-good, and I'm actually going to see it again when I get back to Texas. The seats at this one were super close because my cousin bought crazy good seats 'cause it was her first time too, and the seats we have in Texas are nowhere as good, but yay seeing it again!
+ I missed

eilan's birthday yesterday. Sorry, doll! I hope it was most excellent.
+ I'm a bit behind on Teen Wolf because of the pre-mentioned P&R mainlining, but Derek continues to be gorgeous :D

I think that's all for the update. Hope all y'all are doing well!

Current Mood: drained

Life has been hectic and crazy and hopefully with summer, I can finally catch up with everything. Let's give you a run down of the past few weeks:

1. My birthday was amazing! Thanks for the v-gifts, messages, tweets, everything. In RL, it was pretty fantastic (sans my flat tire) too. My friends threw me a surprise party the week before my birthday, too, and I was so touched as I had never had a surprise for me before! But yeah, it was a great couple of days.

2. I quit my job! I was just disappointed and upset every day and I couldn't take another school year. I'm going to be applying everywhere like crazy. I just wish I knew what I really WANTED you know? *sigh* Cleaning up my classroom was a mess. There are boxes of stuff everywhere!

3. I'm visiting my cousin in Illinois/Wisconsin. I did this 2 summers ago, too and it was amazing. It's freeing to just be. I actually fly out in 2 hours!

4. Big Bang posting starts today! I'm super stoked :D

So yeah that's my life in a nutshell haha. How are all of you lovely people doing?

Current Mood: ecstatic

& do not like LJ's new posting method and that I don't have a choice to do so..

& feel supremely bad about my fail as a friend here on LJ. Life has gotten away from me. But I vow to be better this week!

& have not watched last week's episode of SPN or any other show really. I have no clue what I'm doing with my time but THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH OF IT.

& wondering, does anyone have any icons with the SPN boys wearing glasses from the episode before last? WANT!! *grabby hands*

& am ridiculously behind on dailyjsquared. I really need to shape up with that poor comm. Also things I'm ridiculously behind on include the SPN cons. *SIGH*

& thanking those that posted about me on the valentine's meme. I love you! I had no idea it was happening and failed. But look out in your inboxes this week for a special surprise!

& missing my bff completely and wondering if our friendship will ever go back to how it was *is cryptic*

....I think that's all for now. TALK TO YOU SOON LOVELIES *SMOOOOOOCH*

Current Mood: guilty

Sorry I've been MIA, shirking responsibility EVERYWHERE. School started on Wednesday so I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off (where did that phrase even COME from?!). I need to update dailyjsquared and notjustroomates and hopefully roll out a comment fic meme at comment_away. That last one is so sad and lonely haha. I'm just glad I have the awesome

enchanted_jae to help with hd_fluff!

I haven't even been watching the Olympics because I feel like I have NO TIME. ARGH.

I'm also super behind on TV. I just feel like I'm drowning already and I need to take a couple moments to BREATHE and figure stuff out. I'm so bad about just goofing off and reading fic instead of lesson plans or focusing on the small cutesy stuff rather than the BIG picture *facepalm*

How have you been dear flist?

Current Mood: stressed the hell out. ALREADY

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live well ★ laugh often

l♥ve much

Entries tagged with personal:real life

comparison is the thief of joy

holding place

waves feebly

i got me for life

this is why i have money problems...

FEBRUARY - month of loooooove

thanks!

motivation

facepalm

apologies!

And the saga continues

tail end of my crazy half-week

Update

My interview today

status of me

haha I like Jensen's comment

A Hodgepodge of things

Whew it's been a while!

fdslkjsdklfjds STUFF.

an update